I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with girls where we ended up talking about guys and ending the conversation with “I wish I knew what guys were thinking about all of this.” When the idea for this dating series came to mind, I wanted to address the topic of Christian dating from the other side so I sought out the help of a few trusted guy friends. I had them take an anonymous survey with questions that we all seem to have and turns out the answers were fairly simple (I’ll go ahead and warn you that this will be a longer post as I try to convey all the many thoughts).
As girl’s we tend to overthink things and I’m just as guilty as the next. So often life gets even more complicated in the dating world. Does he like me or not? Was that a flirty look or just a friendly look? Is he just being nice? It even goes as far as how they interact with us in person and on social media. The list could go on and on. But what are they actually thinking? Well let’s hear it.
I think we can all agree that dating especially as a Christian can be awkward. I think the first thing we wonder is what each other is looking for in dating. While this is based on the thoughts of a handful of guys and doesn’t portray every guy’s thoughts, the answers were rather consistent. When Christian guys are looking to date someone the most important thing is her relationship with God. Unlike Jerry McGuire led us to believe, a relationship can’t complete us. We have to fully find our identity in God and allow God to complete us. It’s a constant work on our hearts to become the person of God we were intended to be. Attraction is also an important factor from personality to physical attraction, it’s important that two are compatible. Spiritual compatibility is big as well because if you don’t feel called to the same life mission, it can easily cap your calling. Sometimes we wonder why a relationship doesn’t work out and it could simply come down to different callings and dreams in life. Lastly, having a friendship as the base is huge because most guys want someone they can be themselves around in the relationship.
Speaking of relationships, one of the greatest fears guys face in pursuing a relationship is fear of rejection or failure. It’s a lot of pressure especially in the church and I think both sides face this fear. However, sometimes you have to take a risk to get the reward and from my experience you always make it through even if it doesn’t turn out the way you thought. This pressure guys have as the pursuer can make it seem like girl’s have to sit on the sidelines, but after hearing the guys point of view that’s just not the case. There’s a difference in initiating and pursuing. Girl’s deserve to be pursued, but it’s okay to initiate conversation, show interest and get to know a guy better. It’s also important to be aware of yourself to make sure you’re approachable. Often I hear in the church that it’s so hard to meet a guy or develop a relationship when church should be the best place to meet him. I think we often blame the guys when we have a part as well. It’s a mixture of humility and confidence from both sides. Let’s just be real, bold and throw fear aside. Let’s make sure both guys and girls are approachable and not overcomplicating the issue.
Okay great, so now you’re serving beside a lot of awesome guys at church, there’s still nothing happening. It’s discouraging. What are they thinking about this? We’ve always heard to look beside you as you serve God and see who’s running next to you, but even then no one seems interested. What’s the deal? Well a lot of things. There’s fear of what happens if the girl says no or if it doesn’t work out. There’s fear of it being awkward for not only the two involved but the whole team they serve with so it typically leads to nothing happening. However, communicating with your Spiritual Authority about these type of things is always good and can even help you figure out the best move when feelings cloud reality. But at the end of the day, you have to decide if the risk of awkwardness is worth the reward of a potential relationship. Hopefully both parties will put feelings aside and not make it awkward if it doesn’t work out for the sake of the team.
So how do I know if he’s actually interested in me? Well, it’s more simple than you think. Guys are pretty straightforward with their feelings for the most part. They’ll try to “win” your attention by finding ways to be around you more and talk to you more. Remember in 4th grade when the boy who liked you would pick on you? He wanted your attention and he still does. Good guys, for the most part, don’t play games so let’s stop reading into their every move. We can’t read into anything other than in-person reactions around us, otherwise we will drive ourselves nuts dissecting social media likes, text messages, you name it. If he likes you, his in-person reactions will eventually give him away and hopefully he will be bold enough to express his interest so you aren’t left guessing, but you have the same opportunity as well.
We have to get rid of all the pressures of dating and the unhealthy views we’ve developed and just get to know people. While dating leads to marriage, dating isn’t marriage so take the pressure off. It’s important to take dating seriously because there are feelings involved and eventually you will marry someone, but in the beginning just get to know them. It’s okay not to know if they are “it” after the first date, but you’ll never be able to find anything out unless you take a chance. You might surprise yourself. You should take into consideration all the things you are looking for in a marriage when dating but you don’t have to know before or after the first date if they’re “it” for you. I think we can all agree that the best way to find the right person is to become the right person. We have to work on ourselves so we can be the best version of ourselves when dating and marrying someone.
Dating is hard and waiting is even harder. At the end of the day we have to be sold out for God and seek him with everything we have. Our desire to date, have a relationship and marriage is completely normal. God hears your prayers for your future spouse and he is working on them as well as you. I’ll be getting more in depth on this topic throughout the next several posts in this series; however, I hope this has helped you by giving you the inside view of what guys are actually thinking.